透过渺小的好奇心，我开始摸索。很快地转变成身体的行动。多次重复着快乐刺激的旅程，这种快感与满足让我上了瘾。几次之后，我克服了这种沉瘾。可是，当我独自躺在床上，孤独的感受却向我袭来。如果时间重头来过，我会怎么做？我希望，学习自我警惕，小心地探索，与人交谈，而不是在反复失控的性爱中探索我的性与爱。
在万津这个小甘榜长大，你会发现——在家乡里几乎找不到一个男同志。
生长在一个还算传统的家庭，20岁的我，曾经思考着，为什么生活中的方方面面总是那么的复杂。我记得，对着我们几个不听话的孩子，老爸曾经大声咆哮过，也曾经用他的大拳头来威胁我们，要揍我们的脑袋瓜。但，这都不是因为我发现自己是个男同志，而只是一段生命的经历，一段自我学习和探索的过程。
十六岁，在万津，我曾经有着一大班的朋友。我们经常骑着脚踏车，在马来甘榜游荡，踢足球、打羽毛球、钓鱼和其他各种球类运动。这些运动的许多时刻，让我内心浮现特殊的感受，尤其是当我和其他男孩发生了肢体接触。身材瘦削，我们的思想简单又单纯。偶尔，我们捉弄彼此的身体，特别是，我们的“蛋蛋”。这都是兄弟间会做的，我们爱互相“咕叽”，也爱玩“猴子偷桃”。
我仍记得，曾经有一个朋友引起了我的好奇心。他是WK。皮肤黝黑，是足球校队代表。有一次，我们去游泳，汗水、池水从他曲线分明的身材上滴落，我都看在眼里。那个瞬间，我有股强烈的感受——“我想要触碰和感受他的肌肤”。
我伸出手掌，游移在他的胸肌和腹肌。他当下并没有不悦。我的双手在他引以为傲的腹肌上来回抚摸。这是我第一次同时感受到既愉快却又不舒服。几秒的时间，他终于意识到，这双手不再单纯，动着歪念头。我于是住手了。
WK之外，还有另一个朋友。他，是补习班老师的儿子Kai。也是班上最聪明的学生。他热爱探索事物，比如，感官的刺激。
我曾经向他下战帖——我能够为他打飞机，让他射出来。跟其他的异性恋一样，不容自尊被挑战，Kai接受了挑战。这发生在十七、八岁的年纪，我帮他打飞机。在打飞机的同时，令人无法想象的是，Kai为我口交。
我感到又兴奋又激动，在那个时候，连女孩也不帮男孩口交。后来，只要一逮到机会，他都深深吞下我的小怪兽。通常是发生在补习课后。我名义上说，是要向他请教功课而留下来。现在，他是人夫，有太太，有着一个刚出生二个月大的宝宝。
20岁，我搬到了槟城。在预科班读9个月的课程。在那里，我认识了Jared。他是一个公开出柜的男同志。脸上布满阳刚的记号——胡须，比一般华人男孩更瘦一些。仍记得，当时的我，正为自己的性倾向感到挣扎，是他支持我去探索与了解自我，给我有用的建议。不过我们从未发生性关系。
我的第一次，与男同志发生性关系，是在就读马大法律系的期间。搬进学生宿舍后的第一个星期，我遇见了他，Jay，一个华人男生。我深刻地记得，他是第一个与我发生性关系的男同志。因为，我把大学时期认识的男生的名字都记录下来了。
Jay有一只难以插入的弯屌。那时的我，天真的很。Jay想要插我，而我答应了。现在回想起来，他一定为自己屌形感到羞耻，我怀疑。他或许曾想过把自己的屌扳直，我猜测。
在大学，几次邂逅后，孤独的感受却越发浓烈。鱼水之欢后，每次，快乐的感受逐渐减少。同一年，我坠入情网——好蠢的一段恋爱。BB，他住在旺沙玛珠。为了见他，我常驱车一个多小时，从马大出发到旺沙玛珠。我记得，他的肌肤光滑，滴水不沾。样子讨人喜爱的不得了，相信所有人都会同意。在他的家见面后，我误以为自己喜欢他。我喜欢他的肌肤，他是那种我会想要牵手的男人。去他家之前，有三周的时间，我们互发简讯。我终于大胆地向他告白，而他拒绝了——而我掉进了孤独的深渊。
透过渺小的好奇心，我开始摸索。很快地转变成身体的行动。多次重复着快乐刺激的旅程，这种快感与满足让我上了瘾。几次之后，我克服了这种沉瘾。可是，当我独自躺在床上，孤独的感受却向我袭来。如果时间重头来过，我会怎么做？我希望，学习自我警惕，小心地探索，与人交谈，而不是在反复失控的性爱中探索我的性与爱。
原文：
The First Time Sex and First Love of Kampung Chinese Gay
Growing up in a small kampong, Banting, one would hardly find any gay in his hometown. At the age of 20 years young in a moderately traditional family, I was thinking why life has been so complicated with different aspects. I remembered daddy yelling at us for not obeying his instruction, threatened to use his huge fist to knock our heads. It was not because I found out that I was gay. It was a process of self learning and self discovery.
At the age of 16 years young, I had a big group of hometown friends. We always rode a bicycle around the Malay kampongs, playing futsal, badminton, fishing, any kinds of balls will do. There were many times I felt so strange when these sports allow those physical touch between my friends and I. We were all skinny lean toned bodied and were extremely simple and innocent. Sometimes, we played around our bodily parts, particularly, our balls. We love just tickled each other, groping each other balls like any other brothers.
There was once, now that I recalled, I got very inquisitive about a friend of mine. WK, a tanned skinned toned bodied, who was the school rep. for football competition. When we went swimming, I could see the sweat or the pool water dripping off from his chiseled bodies and bodily curves. It was at the moment, I felt so strong, that I would want to touch and feel the texture of his skin. I tried to extend my palms over his chest and abs, he was not offended. He allowed my hands loiter around his proud abs. It was my first time getting slightly pleasantly and uncomfortably aroused. But, after seconds, he sensed the touch was no longer innocent and turned evil. I stopped.
Besides WK, there was another friend, he, Kai was the son of my tuition teacher. He was the smartest fellow in the class. He loves exploring all kinds of things, including any sensory excitement.
I challenged him once that I would handjob him and made him cum. Like any other heterosexual who thinks one’s ego or dignity cannot be challenged, Kai accepted my challenge. It was around 17/ 18 years young, when I gave me a good handjob. While doing the handjob, unbeknownst to many, Kai attempted to give me a good blowjob. I was extremely thrilled for there was no one at that time, even any girl, who would do us, any blowjob. He took my little monster deep down every time we had a chance to do, usually after the tuition class, where I stayed up allegedly to consult him on certain parts of the syllabus. Now, he is married with a wife and with a 2 month old born baby.
At the age of 20, I moved into Penang Matriculation College to study this 9 month-matriculation course. I got to know Jared. He was then an openly out gay with super manly facial hair, tanner than usual Chinese boy. I remembered I was struggling with my sexual orientation but he gave good advice and supported me to explore and understand myself. But we never had sex.
Only after I entered into University of Malaya taking law, I met this Chinese guy, Jay, the first week after I moved into the student hostel. I vividly remembered him as the first gay guy I ever had sex with because I wrote all the names of guys I met during uni time. Jay had this curvy dick that can never penetrate anyone. I was innocent at that time. Jay wanted to poke my hole, I said yes that time thinking to explore. Now that I recalled, I suspected he was very ashamed of his own dick size, want to try out to straighten his dick, I supposed.
After some encounters in the university, the sense of loneliness grew stronger and immense. Every time, the excitement of meeting one for sex is lessened. In the same year, I fell in a rather dumb puppy love. BB stayed in Wangsa Maju. I used to drive this Proton for 1 hour plus from University of Malaya to Wangsa Maju to meet him. I remembered his skin was so fair that even a drop of water would probably never be held on his body. He had this super bubbly cute face that everyone would agree. After we met at his place, I mistakenly thought I like him. I liked him because he was fair, he was the kind of man I would love to hold his hand. We texted each other for 3 weeks after meeting him at his house. I confessed my stupid love to him. He rejected at that time. I returned to the abyss of loneliness.
It was from this little curiosity that I explored, and turned into physical action. This actions repeated for many times turning into an excitement journey. The satisfaction so quickly obtained has turned into an addiction. Several time after sometimes, the addiction vanquished but the loneliness strikes at night when lying on the bed. If I were given a chance to rewind, I would learn to caution myself to explore carefully and talk to more people instead of exploring my sexuality through repeated uncontrolled sex habits.